First Post

 I sit here, in front of my computer screen, wondering what on Earth I've done for the last 40 years.  I've been to University - unsuccessfully.  I've been through college, managing to obtain a diploma in General Arts, but not the degree I was opting to achieve.  I had the job I would have gotten had I obtained said degree, but I moved one from it after seven years to open and run a business.  I've owned a successful business, only to have it shut down due to my ignorance and trusting outside information.  I've owned a home, only to sell it in hopes of upgrading - only to lose my chance of ever owning a home.  I've obtained a certificate in a great, stay at home mom career - only to be unable to make ends meet, and therefore go into debt tremendously.  I got engaged after 2 weeks, pregnant within 2 months and married within the year to someone I respect, but just can't see eye to eye with, no matter how hard we try.  I am now separated, no home, no vehicle, job with no advancement opportunities and put every penny into the loves of my life, my two intelligent, hilarious, beautiful girls who I absolutely do not deserve.  
I sit here, in front of my computer screen, in a home owned by my exe's parents - that I have no claim to, even though I have put all I have into this life for the last 10 years.  I have so much debt, I try to pretend it doesn't exist.  I work, I work, I work.  I try to get myself ahead, but each time I do, I put more into the home - gas, food, "extras" for our girls.  
I don't have activities - even though my dream is to once again ride horses.  My girls are naturals, they are incredible equestrians.  Hair?  I stick it in a ponytail and snip, layers.  The grey is my version of "highlights".  I don't do anything for me.  And that's okay, because as long as our girls are happy and have all they desire, so am I.  I just expected to have that little bit extra to maybe get my nails done once a year for fun, or a haircut that isn't in my bathroom, with my own scissors.  
I sit here in front of my computer, all. the. time.  Type, type, type, until my hands are so sore, my nerves are screaming.  I just want to get ahead.  I just want to be able to make my kids proud, and not hear about how "short we are this month" even though my ex makes over $100,000.  I wish I made half that.  But here I am, at home, homeschooling our girls, unable to get a job that pays over minimum wage.  I am struggling, mentally, physically.  I want to be more for our girls.  I want to be more for me, I only have one life and so far, I've wasted it.
I said goodbye to my best friend last week.  My dog.  The one constant in my life for the last decade. 11 years old, taken from our family.  My heart it still aching, he made our home whole, his absence makes our home empty - but in reality, this was never my home.  I lay with him as he crossed, my heart will never be the same.  I will never get another dog. 
I applied to a program with a local college.  Online learning.  Pre-health. I figure, I can either go through 25 years of hell with no relief in sight, or I can struggle for the next 3 years, in hopes that I end up successfully completing a nursing program.  This blog will hopefully not only hold me accountable, but also provide a space to whine, vent, scream, shout and cheer for my success.  I'm going to f*cking do this, I'm going to success at one thing in my life.  Watch me :)